Why does everything have to be so dang complicated!
I mean 1) Why cant I just be happy being a nurse?
I mean I enjoyed studying for it, but hate the realities of it, so much so that I quit last year and have tried so many times to go back that I am sure people are sick and tired of hearing about it, in out, in out. I mean, I know I am! I mean when I first had the idea of nursing, I thought, "I want something more out of life than just typing" (because I was in admin at the time). So I studied again. I'd already studied for a year in business admin. I studied for 3 months as an Assistant Nurse, I studied for 18 months then as an Enrolled Nurse, then I studied for three years as a Registered Nurse. Nearly 5 years more of study.
I’ve worked in Nursing for 8 years since that first thought. I think I've done my share. Oh it might not seem so to those who have nursed for all their life, but I’ve had it. I've done every area there is in nursing to do, Medical, Surgical, Aged care, Orthopaedics, Stroke unit, Rehabilitation, Cardiac unit, Operating Theatres, community health. The only thing I haven’t done specifically is peadiatrics and midwifery, even though I’ve delivered bubs by C – section and had kiddies in OT, but if I don’t feel capable dealing with adults, there is no way I’m going near kiddies and bubs. They are too precious to mess with. And after all that I still haven’t settled into nursing? I don’t think its for me, or more I’m not for it.
So I make a decision. I’m out. But then He tells me to go back. So I’m back in. But He's also told me before in so many ways that it didn’t matter what I did as long as I did something. So I go back, but? There’s no work for me. I don’t get it? Is it a test, see if I'll do what He says no matter what? I must be dense.
If I cant be happy being a nurse, then I’m happy to do something else, anything else. I know I love to teach. So I've applied for a teaching course, but even that’s complicated. Apparently being a nurse and having a 3 year degree does not qualify you for much, except nursing. Its like I can't escape it! And I’m so confused I don’t even know if I want to escape it. I need nursing as my key into the States, long term.
I’m happy to do anything I can, but what is that anything? I cannot find one single job outside of nursing, as I have no experience and no training outside of nursing. The admin must be too long ago for people to count.
So what are my options? Learn to deal with nursing or study some more, remain perpetually unemployed and turn into a bum? Get all down about it? This is not how my life is supposed to be!
I am so confused; I really wish President Monson could use a few of his keys to unlock some of my doors for me!
I need a plan. Well I have a plan. Mission. But that plan involves earning money, which I’m finding it difficult to do being that I have no job. I cant bare to think of not going on my mission now. It’s not something I want to face. And then what about post mission? What to do then?
Do I come to the States in April? I cant even believe I’m questioning it, but it doesn’t seem sensible to go when I’m in this "no income no job" state. But can I even not come to the states? It is one of the few things keeping me going right now, the prospect of something good on the horizon, something that’s in my control. My mission is another good thing on my horizon, but it is not within my control. At least with the States, I can go, have a great time and go out with a bang before hitting absolute rock bottom upon my return.
I hate not working. Its making me bored and getting me into all sorts of bad habits, like sleeping in and going to bed late and constant snacking and watching TV, I hate TV!
Grrr! I was tempted not to post this, but it is my diary after all, good and bad. Life is full of good and bad, maybe I should only record the good? Oh well there’s always the “delete” button for a later date. And the ever faithful “ignore” folder where everything in my mind goes that I wish to overlook. Hopefully I’ll be able to look back at this rant and go “What were you worried about, it all worked out!” Hopefully, I live with faith.
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